If a resumé was up to me

For months I've heard about how to write a resumé and each resumé will be different, need tailoring to specific jobs, and should be a certain length.  While all of this is understandable, I wish I could just hand the interviewer a page with a list of basic skills or experiences that would come in handy.  If I could, it would resemble something like this...

Anne 

Phone. Address. Skype name.

Education:  How much time do you have? 

Experience: Attended the Ellen DeGeneres show (twice) (front row)

Drove a tractor one summer and had dirt thrown at me

Had plantar fasciitis and was able to wear a shoe "cast" thingy with ease

Drove to Montana alone 

Spotted a person hundreds of feet away writing "A$$" on our car with a key (without the dollar sign. the HORROR!)

Sprinted to a bus stop in 3 inch heels

Cleaned a meat slicer (I'd prefer no questions related to this, but if you must, you must) 

Skills: Can eat fro-yo every day

Can do the ever-relevant worm

Play sports with my non-dominant hand (watch out!)

Can be immediately energetic upon waking up

Break into song at all times of the day

Can also break into accents at any given moment

Crack myself up 

Able to french braid all lengths and volumes of hair (reaching every demographic)

Dance on command

 I'll be waiting for your call for an interview.  

         Best,  

                Anne